


Z

by ElegantSurrender



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying Harry, Crying Louis, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad Harry, Sad Louis, Zayn Leaves One Direction, Zayn left, larry - Freeform, this is just depressing, zouis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-05-18
Packaged: 2018-03-31 04:44:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3964858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElegantSurrender/pseuds/ElegantSurrender
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn had scared Harry before. "I'll be leaving the band on February 30th" He had stated, a convincing frown across his cheeks, according to Harry. Louis hadn't been there, but from what Zayn told him, the kid cried hours during, and hours after. The first time in sadness, the other in relief. </p><p>So was Louis surprised when Harry pulled away, the only noises coming from him being little cries that he tried to hide? Not at all, but that didn’t stop him from worrying.</p><p>-</p><p>Or the one where Zayn just left the band, and it's just a lot of hurting and comforting, with a pinch of Zouis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Z

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I started writing this when Z just left. Obviously, a lot has changed... I really hope the boys are okay now, but honestly, I think they're still grieving. Definitely Louis, since they don't seem to be doing well (Twitter fight..). But anyways, I just wrote this because I felt like I should.. Doubtful this happened but you never know. Hope you enjoy.

Louis knew he couldn’t do anything, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to.

It was only a few days after Zayn skyped them; he wouldn't be rejoining One Direction on their tour, nor ever again. While everyone was devastated by the news, Harry definitely seemed to be taking it the hardest. Louis tried to reach out, but he became distant. Not just to him - everyone else around him as well, and Zayn included. While Louis knew in some way that Harry understood why he left, he also knew another part of him just refused to accept it.

Zayn had scared Harry before. "I'll be leaving the band on February 30th" He had stated, a convincing frown across his cheeks, according to Harry. Louis hadn't been there, but from what Zayn told him, the kid cried hours during, and hours after. The first time in sadness, the other in relief.

So was Louis surprised when Harry pulled away, the only noises coming from him being little cries that he tried to hide? Not at all, but that didn’t stop him from worrying.

Despite all the drama, and so many broken hearts, their next show still had to go on. No matter how bad all of them wanted to stay at the hotel and grief (He wasn’t dead, no, but it almost felt like he was), they knew they couldn’t disappoint their fans further. Zayn already left, and while it was necessary for him to do so, they couldn’t pull away from everyone now. They needed to be strong, because they knew the fans were hurting too.

Louis had tried to hold a conversation with him before the show, but he didn’t get a word. He knew Harry heard everything he said, but there’s a difference between hearing and listening. He could tell by his eyes that he wasn’t completely there, that his mind was continuing to think about the boy who left.

“He’d want us to be happy, and hey, right after this show, we can call him. He’s not dead, sweetheart” was only one of the many things he attempted to get across to him, and he wished Harry would’ve listened. But he knew he wasn’t always good at doing that, so he knew better than to get upset. Plus, he was hurting too; he understood Harry’s pain to a T.

They tried not to be like drones, but that’s how the show felt. They knew exactly what they were supposed to do and say, and they did just that. They didn’t throw in cheeky conversations, or heartfelt stories. None of them were up for it, and hopefully, the crowd understood.

That’s when they started chanting Zayn’s name, _during the middle of a song_ , and Louis could feel his heart crumble in his chest. While his mind so wanted to zone off and think of all the memories he so terribly missed, for the sake of their fans, he kept himself grounded. He would call Zayn as soon as he could, telling him how it went, and how much he missed him. He didn’t want to make him feel bad, but that was the truth, and he didn’t want to lie.

Louis’s eyes searched for the boys, making sure he wasn’t the only one reacting. Even if he had kept his mind together, he did freeze, and he was sure people saw.

Niall was happily dancing around, singing his part – check. Liam was sitting down, grinning as he swayed his head dramatically to the music – check. His eyes then looked around for his boyfriend, and whatever was left of his heart, shattered into a thousand pieces.

Harry had dropped the arm holding his microphone, and put the other over his face. Even with what he did, Louis could still see how red his eyes were, and he could hear sniffling from his side of the stage. He hoped that the audience maybe didn’t see, but everyone’s eyes were on him. He was trying to be discreet, but he was moving in a small circle in an attempt to block himself, and that only brought him attention.

Louis wanted to run him backstage, and just hug him. Under his contract, he wasn’t able to do either of those things. He hoped one of the other boys would speed over to him, hold onto him as tightly as he would have.

Nobody did. And while the other boys were distracted, he knew they knew. It upset him that they did nothing, that they simply let it pass. It would’ve caused drama, yes, but the boy was literally falling apart in front of everyone. Louis thought that if someone didn’t grab him, he’d surely sink.

They were given a short break after his tears, and he watched in misery as Harry begged for them to end it early. “I can’t breathe here, I-I need to leave.” He whispered, and all of them watched as he was denied.

When he realized everyone was watching, he only moved away, mumbling that he was “going to the bathroom to change”.

When they went back on stage, he was wearing one of Zayn’s bigger shirts, and it almost felt like he was dead.

-

As soon as the concert ended, Harry ran into his dressing room, and slammed it shut. The other boys simply went to their own, the same grief trapped in their heads. Louis watched as his best friends and boyfriend drift away, and it made his chest tighten. He couldn’t lose them too.

Louis knocked on Harry’s door, but he got no answer. And not wanting to push it, he walked to his dressing room instead, changing into a comfier set of street clothes.

When he exited his area, he bumped right into Harry. He had been rushing to leave, his bag in his hand, his sunglasses over his eyes despite it being nighttime.

It took only one glance for Harry’s feelings to overwhelm him, and suddenly his bag was on the floor, and the only things that could be heard was his desperate sob and a soft “I want him back”. The other boys filed out of their rooms when they heard the noise, but by that time, Harry had already shrunken down, his head bent down to Louis’s shoulder.

Louis held him as tightly as he could, squeezing his eyes shut to avoid his own emotions. He focused on Harry instead, wanting to make him feel better in any way he could. But he didn’t know how to truly take his pain away – he couldn’t bring Zayn back into the band. And that’s what Harry wanted; the one thing he couldn’t do.

“Let’s get you to the car, yeah? And once we get back to the hotel, we can check up on Zayn.” Louis asked softly, and all he got was a grip on his jean jacket, and a slow nod.

Zayn promised that if they needed him, they could call any hour. And while Louis hated to wake him from his sleep, Harry needed his voice, and honestly, he did too. That Skype call was only a few days ago, but he was used to having Zayn there by his side for these tiring, yet exciting tours. Now he wasn’t, and an occasional text message simply didn’t cut it for him. He was scared that if he didn’t call, that maybe Zayn wouldn’t. He wasn’t much for communicating, which scared the shit out of Louis. And he was sure it scared the others too. They were equally aware of his phone habits.

Louis removed one arm from the broken boy in front of him, and led him outside. The other boys followed as well, all of them piling into the same car. Considering the circumstances, they had decided being in the same hotel was needed. If one of them needed the other, they wouldn’t be too far. It had come out of their own wallets, as the other rooms were already booked in separate ones, but none of them cared. They were the only ones that could exactly relate to each other right now.

Concerned glances were shared, but nothing was said. Louis worried that it would be like this forever, a never-ending stare-down full of lost love and awkwardness. If it stayed like this another day, he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to keep it together. Seeing Harry crying really brought him to the edge.

The air was silence as they left the car, and entered the hotel through the back door. Anxiety rose again when Harry stumbled, and Louis immediately put his arm around him, unable to find the words to say.

He wanted to scream. He wanted to throw something at Zayn and shout “Why couldn’t you keep it together?” at the top of his lungs, ignoring that it wasn’t at all his fault. He wanted to heave rocks at their management, who kept them up to the wee hours of the night. And most of all, he wanted to yell at himself, because he never saw Zayn spiraling down into the world of depression.

He focused on his boyfriend as they walked in their room together, neither of them saying the word goodbye. Everyone had seen #ByeZayn trending, and it made the word uncomfortable. Goodbye seemed too much like a permanent promise.

Louis offered Harry the phone, but he shook his head, his body weakly falling against the bed. “I just want to sleep.” He murmured, his legs curling up into him. It took everything Louis had not to burst into tears right then, but he knew if he did, it would just cause more distress on his boyfriend, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. Instead, he grabbed a pair of Harry’s pajama pants and new boxers, and changed him. Harry’s eyes completely avoided him, his mouth not saying a word as Louis replaced his attire. At that moment, Louis didn’t feel loved by anyone. And he knew it was selfish to think, that it wasn’t Harry’s fault right now, but his mind didn’t care. The thoughts just played on like the broken record they were.

Harry fell asleep rather quickly, and that gave Louis the time he needed.

Louis didn’t typically hold his emotions in, per say… He more secluded himself with them. He didn’t mind crying, but he never did it in front of the others. He didn’t like to make them worry, and honestly, he was an ugly crier. Harry always tried to convince him he was full of shit, but it never really worked. He had never actually let Harry see him cry, his boyfriend respecting his wishes. Afterwards he would always comfort him, and that’s all he needed. A cry by himself, and a cuddle when he was done.

Maybe that was why he cried harder tonight, once he got himself situated on the bathroom floor. He didn’t want to go to Harry, or any of the boys, because all of them were struggling. It wasn’t just him.

He managed to calm himself down after a little while, and took a deep breath. He then took out his phone, going right to the screen, and dialing Zayn’s number. Unlike most people, Louis liked to actually know his friends’ numbers. If he ever lost his phone, he wanted to be sure he could still get in touch with them.

It only took a couple rings before Zayn picked up, his voice slightly drowsy, but also soft. It’s like he already knew before Louis said a word.

And he did.

“I’m so sorry” was the first whisper he heard, and that hurdled him back into his tears. Even his voice didn’t seem to fill the space Zayn left, it just wasn’t the same as having him near. With the amount of travelling they did, he wasn’t sure when they’d meet face-to-face again. He worried that it wouldn’t happen, that maybe Zayn wouldn’t want it, because it would bring him back into the public eye.

Louis always worried a lot. Despite his very cheerful and bright attitude, his anxiety was almost always at a high. Whether it was from fame, or something he would’ve gotten anyways, it was a constant issue for him. An issue he typically didn’t share, not even with Harry.

It took a while for Louis to respond, his eyes squeezed shut as he tried to get control of himself. “No, you needed to do this. It’s just… It’s so hard.” His voice cracked at the end, and he almost felt like a fool. Almost. “We’ve always had you here, and now… we don’t…”

The line was quiet for a while, like Zayn had no clue to what to say. That’s probably because he didn’t… He wasn’t coming back, and that was really the only solution for everyone to feel better.

“Louis, I told you I couldn’t live without you, and nothing has changed. Just because I’m not there, doesn’t mean I don’t care.” Zayn murmured, yawning. “You will always be my best friend, okay?”

His words calmed his racing heart, and a small wave of relief washed through him. Things were different, but not completely. Things weren’t okay, but they were a little better.

He sniffled before responding, his body starting to calm down. “Harry shut down, he’s hardly speaking. He cried at today’s show.” His voice was congested, and he quickly cleared his throat. It didn’t help much.

Another yawn came from Zayn’s end, and he knew he needed to end this conversation. He wasn’t being fair.

“I saw that,” He began, sighing quietly. “I can’t stand seeing him like that, and it’s even worse when we’re so far away from each other. I’ll skype him tomorrow, please just take care of him. And take care of yourself too.”

He breathed a goodbye, hanging up. He wasn’t ready to get up yet, and he pulled up his knees, wrapping his arms around them. When would he be okay again? When would the others? Everything seemed to be falling apart, and he couldn’t stand it. These boys kept him sane, and they were all drifting away. The thought of losing them entirely made him sick; especially Harry. He loved him so much, it was indescribable.

After a while, the position got uncomfortable, and he decided it was time to stand up. He took a shaky breath as he got to his feet, and slowly exited the bathroom. He edged his way back over to the bedroom, and instantly frowned.

Harry was sitting there awake, staring at the doorway, like he was just waiting for Louis to arrive. His eyes immediately scanned Louis’s, and he realized they were probably still red. He had never bothered to wipe his face off.

“I made this worse for you,” He uttered, standing up. “I shouldn’t be ignoring you Lou, because you’re hurt too... I was just so overwhelmed, I’m sorry.”

Harry wasted no time as he crossed the room, his arms finding their way around his boyfriend’s tiny waist. Louis clutched on to him like he was his only lifeline, and shut his eyes. Harry slowly rubbed his back, and it took everything he had not to cry again.

“You’re trying to be strong for us,” Harry murmured, bringing him impossibly closer. Louis didn’t say anything, only burying his face into his boyfriend’s hot skin. “You don’t need to be. You deserve to grief too.”

Louis’s eyes started to water, and that’s all it took for him to start bawling his eyes out. Harry never moved a muscle, only rubbing his back as gently as he could, and occasionally whispering little “it’s okay”s and “you’re alright”s.

“I just… I miss him.” Louis moved away, rubbing his eyes. He had never felt so… miserable. “I don’t want all this to end.”

Harry slowly shook his head, leading Louis back over to the bed. “We have beautiful, loyal fans, Lou… We have a whole tour in front of us, that hasn’t changed.” Harry pulled him down into the mattress, holding him tightly in his arms. “They love you as much as they did before, and so does Zayn.”

He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He tried to find truth in his boyfriend’s words, but he wasn’t sure about any of it. Things were different now, everything could change. Zayn could end up their enemy, their fans could turn away.

He couldn’t predict the future though. He just knew that right now, they still had the tour, he still had Zayn. And of course, he knew somehow that he’d always have Harry. He couldn’t see himself without him, and he knew Harry felt the same way about him. If Harry was there and it all went to shreds, Harry would keep him from drowning.

Louis shut his eyes, quietly praying in his head while Harry kissing his forehead. He hoped that Zayn would be okay, that the others would be okay, and that they weren’t at their end. He didn’t know, but Harry did the same, the room silent.


End file.
